|
|
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
Good Thing It Didn't Have Ham In It
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
It seems cheese sandwiches have been in the news a lot during the last few months. But not always in a good way.
Last November, online casino GoldenPalace.com paid $28,000 on eBay for a 10-year-old partially-eaten cheese sandwich that bore the image of the Virgin Mary (you can see it at www.GoldenPalaceEvents.com).
I saw pictures of the Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich on their website, and while I will agree that there was a face on the sandwich, I don't necessarily believe it's the Virgin Mary. For one thing, I've never actually seen the Virgin Mary, so I don't actually know. But I think it looks more like Marilyn Monroe.
But Diana Duyser swears that for 10 years, the vestal Velveeta-on-white-bread has brought her enormous good fortune, including winning $70,000 at her local casino. She kept it on her nightstand in a plastic container.
The GoldenPalace.com website announced they will take the sandwich on a national tour and sell Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich t-shirts to help raise money for various charities. Maybe I'm just cynical, but I can't help but think that all this national attention is attracting new gamblers along with it.
So while I applaud their efforts and sentiments, am I the only one who thinks it's odd that a gambling house has purchased a food item with the Holy Blessed Mother on it? Far be it from me to point fingers at anyone, but when a casino uses the mother of the Messiah to help attact new gamblers, I start checking the skies for lightning.
But that's a good cheese sandwich -- at least in the "it won't get you thrown in jail or electrocuted" way.
On the other hand, convicted murderer Douglas Eugene Wilson got one of the bad kinds.
According to an Associated Press story, while Wilson was awaiting trial on murder charges, he was passing out cheese sandwiches to fellow inmates while he was in jail. A sheriff's deputy warned him not to do this, because it violated jail rules. When Wilson ignored the deputy, he was zapped with a stun gun. He then reportedly charged the deputy and was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed.
Deputy: Hey you, no distributing cheese sandwiches in jail!
Wilson: What? It's just a cheese sandwich.
Deputy: I'm not going to warn you again. Drop the cheese sandwich and slowly step away.
Wilson: Why? It's not going to--
Stun Gun: ZZZZZZZZZZT!
Wilson was later convicted of murdering Lisa Chavez, and was sentenced to life in prison. In other words, he can't get out. Ever.
Which is why it's odd that he was then convicted of possession of contraband, and sentenced to three more years in prison. Keep in mind that he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of possession of contraband in order to get the charges of second-degree assault and attempted second-degree assault dropped.
I realize that Wilson was probably being somewhat optimistic, and hoped that he might someday get out of prison. But I would think there would be a point where you just need to give up and realize that life in prison means just that. Why would you even negotiate to remove charges? When you're going to spend the rest of your natural days in prison, what's another six years or so?
Judge: You are hereby sentenced to three additional years in prison.
Wilson: But I'm already in for life.
Judge: Oh. . .well, now you're going to a dirty prison filled with criminals.
Wilson: But I'm already--
Stun Gun: ZZZZZZZZZZT!
Contraband is legal talk for things that should not be allowed in jails -- things like drugs, pornography, and weapons. I'll bet you didn't know cheese sandwiches can be dangerous. Otherwise they wouldn't have needed stun guns to stop Wilson from passing them out.
"Nobody move! I've got a Cheddar and mayo on whole wheat, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Hopefully word of these new weapons won't reach the criminal element, or else we'll have bigger problems. Bank robbers will carry roast beef and mustard on a kaiser roll. You'll need a license and background check to be able to order lunch at your favorite Subway or Quiznos. And gun-toting Texans will soon replace their concealed revolvers with Reuben sandwiches.
Not to worry though. The police will keep us safe from all sandwich-brandishing evil-doers, because they're well-trained and dedicated to preventing crime and helping people.
And they've got their trusty Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich brand stun guns at their side.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of January 6th, 2005)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
You Know, It's Just. . . "It"
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
Erik is out of the office this week, hiding from the new season of American Idol. To commemorate this event, we are reprinting a column from 2003 commemorating these purveyors of pop, these connoisseurs of crap, these sultans of snot. . . sorry, we've been reading Tom Wolfe again.
RYAN: Welcome back to another episode of American Idol, where lots of pop superstar wannabes show their stuff to our panel of judges, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, and Simon "Scowl" Cowell. Let's go inside the judges' room and see if we can find America's next American Idol.
PAULA: Hi, I'm Paula, and I'm speechless. Let's see, your name is, uhh, Lucy-Anno?
LUCIANO: It's Luciano. And I'm going to sing the aria from "Rigoletto."
(Luciano sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. I'm just stunned into complete silence. I mean I just can't think of anything to say.
RANDY: That wasn't bad. But I have to say, Lucy, you just don't have the . . . physique we're looking for in a pop star.
SIMON: Actually, aside from you being very fat, that was probably the worst thing I've ever heard.
LUCIANO: What?! I've been an opera singer for nearly 60 years.
SIMON: No, you've been deluding yourself for 60 years; you just don't have "It."
LUCIANO: "It?" What is "It?!" I'm Luciano freakin' Pavarotti. Maybe you've heard of me? I've sung all over the world for millions of people. I've given performances to kings, queens, and presidents.
RANDY: I'm sure you think so, but it's not happening here.
SIMON: Yes, you're the worst singer in the world. Get out.
PAULA: Thank you for coming. I'm speechless.
LUCIANO: Yeah, whatever.
RANDY: Let's see, next we have Bruce.
BRUCE: Hi, how ya' doin'? I'll be doing "Born to Run."
(Bruce sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Mere words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now, so I'm just speechless. I don't even know how to begin to enunciate the emotions that I--
RANDY: You're a little old to be a pop singer, Bruce. And you just don't have "It." Sorry, man.
BRUCE: What do you mean, I don't have "It?" I've been a rock singer for 30 years!
SIMON: Then you should hire a lawyer and sue your music teacher. That was probably the worst thing I've ever heard. Your voice is too gritty and rough to make it in the music business.
BRUCE: Are you kidding me? I'm Bruce Springsteen. You know, "The Boss?" I've made 20 albums in 30 years, and I have my own band.
RANDY: Look, making some demo tapes on a $20 tape recorder does not constitute "an album." And just because you have your own band doesn't make you a singer. I've never heard of you.
SIMON: You're the worst singer in the entire world. Please go now.
PAULA: I've never heard of you either. Oh, and I'm speechless.
BRUCE: Bunch of know-nothing jerks.
PAULA: Okay, next we have . . . is it Oh Zee?
OZZY: Ozzy. Ozzy Osbourne
RANDY: What are you going to sing for us, Oh Zee?
OZZY: Uh gunh sin "Crazy Train."
(Ozzy sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Speechless. I'm just speechless. Like the great French mime, Marcel Marceau, I simply do not have anything to say.
SIMON: That was absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, and you're the worst singer in the world.
RANDY: I don't know who you're supposed to be with all these tattoos and the long hair, but you're definitely not going to make it in the music business.
OZZY: What'rr ya talkin' 'bout. Ah'm a bluddy supestarrr.
RANDY: What? I can't understand a word you're saying. Look, you just don't have "It."
OZZY: "It?" Wha da "BLEEP" iz "It?"
SIMON: "It" is something you don't have. And you're the worst at not having "It."
OZZY: Luk, Ah'm Ozzy Osbourne. Ya kno, da Prinz uv BLEEP-ing Darknuss. Da Osbournes? Frum da telly. Wit Sharon and dose tu brats. I wuz in Black Sabbath.
PAULA: What's Black Sabbath? I don't think I've heard of that. Is that a bug spray?
SIMON: Listen, you're the worst singer in the -- oh, I already said that. Now get out.
OZZY: Buncha mineluss slogs wun't kno moozik frum a fert.
PAULA: Buh-bye. I'm speechless!
SIMON: I wish you were speechless. You're the worst judge in the world. You just don't have "It."
PAULA: Yeah, well you're a pompous BLEEP!
RANDY: By the way, what is "It" anyway?
RYAN: Well, that's all we have time for on this week's American Idol. Be sure to join us next week when we search for the next. . . American Idol.
PAULA: I'm still speechless!
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of January 13th, 2005)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Columnist's Milestone (MY 500TH COLUMN)
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
I've achieved a major milestone in a columnist's career. This column is my 500th column. For nine years, eight months, and one week, I have published a humor column every Thursday night. If I were a baseball player, I would be 21st on the all-time home run leader list, behind Ken Griffey, Jr., who has 501 – home runs, not columns. Ken Griffey, Jr. can't tell a joke to save his life.
Of course, if I were a professional baseball player, I would be paid to scratch myself on national television, instead of doing it at home for free.
I first became a humor columnist back in 1994 when I met Al Nich, the publisher of the Wakarusa Tribune, at a meeting for my county's Democratic Party. All three of us were there, and Al was a special guest. I asked him if he would be interested in publishing a weekly humor column for his paper. He read over my samples, and examined them for the subtle nuances and underlying theme of each piece. Then he looked me square in the eye and asked, "Are you a Democrat?"
Yes, I am, I assured him.
"Great. Welcome aboard."
That was it? No discussion over finer points of column writing, no questions about whether I had the wherewithal to be a humor columnist, or if I could even use wherewithal correctly in a sentence? Nope. I only had to be a Democrat. The humor – it was hoped – would follow. And all this proved to me that only Democrats are funny. Republicans are source material.
I cling to this belief to this day.
It was not always so easy, or so funny when I first started. Those early days were. . . well, bad. The problem was, I didn't realize how bad. My first columns weren't so much awful, as they were – okay, they were awful.
I had occasion to read my early columns a year ago. My fervent hope is that all copies of the Wakarusa Tribune from that year have been shredded, burned, and the ashes buried at the bottom of a compost pile that has been fired into the sun. I'll even pay for the fuel. But, I slowly got better. I began studying the process of humor, other humor writers, and taped several television programs, and watched them over and over to learn any secret I could. At least that's what I told my wife when she asked why I was watching that Victoria's Secret commercial for the 57th time.
It may also explain the angry letter I received two years into my writing career. "Boobs have no place in satire," the letter writer told me. This struck me as both odd and unfair. Dave Barry made an entire career out of sticking his finger in his nose and writing about whatever he found, or saying things like "'I'm not making this up' sounds like a good name for a rock band," while I get a literary dope slap for talking about boobs? Admittedly, they were Pamela Anderson's boobs, but I believed boobs should be an integral part of any humorist's repertoire.
Actually, I received two letters. My second one was an emailed finger-wagging by a reader, Constance Daley, because I used the H-word a few times. She said I shouldn't rely on "potty words" for my humor – words like "boobs," I suppose – so I challenged her to do better. She showed me though, because she published her very first book four years later.
Nowadays, I try discourage people from writing. It's not out of professional jealousy or pettiness so much as I just don't want anyone to be better than me.
During my self-education, I sought out other humorists, both famous and non-famous, to get their advice on humor writing. And some of them would even share their secrets. I'll never forget what Garrison Keillor said when I asked him about whether I should write about current events.
"How did you get in here?!" he said.
After I persuaded him not to call the police or shoot me – we were at a public book signing, after all – he said I should try writing more current events, and not worry so much about doing personal stories. This was a great relief because there were all kinds of great things happening in the news, and I I was missing them. That, and I had a pretty boring childhood, and had already used up the few stories I had.
It's been an interesting 500 weeks. I've written about my childhood and my own children. Stupid lawsuits and the funniest joke in the world. US Presidential elections and the president of Turkmenistan. I have written about hundreds of different topics and experimented with several different writing styles. And I've learned one very important lesson that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Boobs really are an integral part of humor and satire.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of January 20th, 2005)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
Will There Be a Lord of the Dance Ride?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
As a journalist, I am often privy to insider information on a lot of different topics, finding the best and most secret information about important current events, especially if I make it up.
This was the case this past week when I was at Walt Disney World and sat in on a secret meeting of Public Broadcasting Service (public television) executives. They were on a fact-finding trip and retreat at the world-famous theme park resort.
They said it was a fact-finding trip, but I had a hard time believing it, since most of the meeting was spent racing back and forth between Space Mountain and Splash Mountain at the Magic Kingdom. But still, fact finding trips are just that – a chance to gather facts about a certain topic or area of interest. And you would be surprised at how many fact you can gather as you plummet into a massive torrent of water.
It seems that public broadcasting has reached a critical mass in its revenue generation. They have reached optimal growth in the voluntary financial support area (translation: we can't squeeze much more out of the general public or our corporate underwriters). So they have to find new ways to increase their bottom line bucks. Rather than selling advertising space on Oscar the Grouch's trash can, PBS decided to open their own theme park, PBS Edutainment World.
Given the popularity of the Disney brand and the constant cross-promoting of movie characters, theme parks, and merchandise, PBS decided to capitalize on the popularity of their own popular shows, characters, and personalities.
"Who says Disney is the only one who gets to rake in all the cash? We've got lots of famous characters that people would be willing to shell out a lot of bucks to see in person. . . uhh, I mean, spend a wonderful vacation with their entire family." said one PBS executive, who asked to remain anonymous.
Groundbreaking for the new park will take place in June 2005 in Kissimmee, Florida. The park is scheduled to be operational in Spring 2008.
Inspired by Disney World's financial success, and since they're always bugging us for money anyway, PBS Edutainment World will follow the same pricing structure and practices. They thought about the old "pay us whatever you think our park is worth" plan, just like they do during membership drives, but realized they would go bankrupt 36 hours after the park opened.
In the meantime, here is a small taste of what you can expect to see at PBS Edutainment World.
Learn to Count Backward with Elmo – Open your wallet and help Elmo count backward to zero as you purchase your park tickets, dining passes, and merchandise. And if you purchase four or more tickets, you'll receive a PBS commemorative coffee mug as our way of saying thanks.
Cookie Monster's Quick Boost snack bar – Energy levels can easily be depleted, chasing your kids from ride to ride. Get a quick sugar boost to keep you on your feet. Cookies are $1 apiece, or $25 for the Cookie Monster Feeding Frenzy cookie buffet.
Caillou's Discipline Corner – Whiny French-Canadian brat Caillou fusses and screams his way into children's impressionable minds to get what he wants. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it from your own kids. If your children throw tantrums or act like the world's worst child role model, bring them to Caillou's Discipline Corner. They'll have trained child psychologists on staff, uncomfortable wooden chairs and egg timers in the "time out" rooms, and soundproof rooms for those parents who still favor the traditional approach.
Nova Mysteries of the Unexplained Ride – Just like your favorite science program, this ride promises to unlock the mysteries that have plagued mankind for centuries. And just like the show, the ride will stop well short of actually unlocking anything, forcing you to get out and walk the rest of the way.
Charlie Trotter Do-It-Yourself Cafeteria – Learn to cook like Charlie Trotter, owner of his own fabulously expensive restaurant. Follow step-by-step instructions with the PBS Edutainment World chefs. Learn how to make the same complex dishes you've watched Charlie make, week after week. Hamburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches are available for those of you who realize Charlie is to teaching what Da Vinci is to paint by numbers.
Hometime Creative Video Magic – A behind-the-scenes look at PBS' most popular do-it-yourself home show. Learn how a crew of 12 can be made to magically appear like a man and woman DIYer who manage to remodel an entire house without a single screwup or cross word said to each other.
Sewing With Nancy Thrill-O-Rama – This ride will probably only appeal to older women, and will eventually be canceled because of a significant lack of interest.
Currently, park admission is set for $50 per day for non-PBS members, and $45 for PBS members. So be sure to pledge your $80 membership support, and take advantage of the discounted ticket prices. Call today.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of January 27th, 2005)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
Click here to learn more about rFoil reflective insulation
|
|
|
|
|
 |
