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The Crack of the Bat, the Roar of the Children
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
"Okay, everyone, we're finally here at the baseball game."
"That's right, Buddy, baseball. You sure like saying that word, don't you? You say it every time I do."
"Baseball."
"Baseball."
"Okay, that's enough."
"Where does everyone want to sit? Honey, you sit between me and Mommy. Sweetie, you sit next to Mommy, and Buddy, you can sit on my lap."
"Is everyone settled? Okay, now we can watch the baseball game."
"Yes, Buddy, baseball."
"Yeah, I'm a little hungry. What are you getting?"
"But I don't want to go."
"I'd rather watch the game."
"Are you going to sit here and answer every single question the kids have?"
"I'll have a barbecue chicken sandwich. And peanuts. It's not a baseball game -- yes, Buddy, baseball -- without peanuts."
"What, Honey?"
"The Fort Wayne Wizards."
"No, the Wizards."
"Not Lizards. Wizards."
"Yes, I know that green guy looks like a lizard, but that's their mascot. He's a dragon."
"Dinger."
"A dinger is another name for a home run. That's why they call him Dinger the Dragon."
"A home run is when a guy hits the baseball out -- yes, Buddy, baseball -- of the park. He gets to run around all the bases and he scores a run for his team."
"Yes, Honey, they're all happy when he does that."
"What, Sweetie? That's the pitcher. He throws the ball to the catcher. He wants to keep the batter from hitting the ball."
"If the batter hits the ball, he tries to see how far he can run. He wants to get to as many bases as he can before the other guys get him out."
"Then he has to go sit back down in the dugout."
"No, he's not in trouble."
"He's just out, that's why. That's the way baseball is -- yes, Buddy, baseball -- played."
"Do you see that guy with the bat? He's batting for the Wizards -- no, Honey, Wizards. We want him to get a hit."
"Hey, he hit it! And it's -- oh no, the outfielder caught it. That means he's out."
"No, Honey, he's not sad. He gets another turn later."
"The next guy is up to bat. Let's see how he does."
"Good cut! Alright! He's on first."
"Because that's as far as he could run."
"No, he's not tired. The other team would have gotten him out if he had kept running, then he would have to sit down too. You see, once the team gets three outs, the other team gets to bat."
"Then they do that eight more times."
"Because otherwise the game would be too short."
"Oh no, double play!"
"That's when the other team gets two of our guys out at once."
"Well, when the guy on first is running to second and -- oh good, Mommy's here with the food."
"Did you get peanuts? It's just not a baseball game -- yes, Buddy, baseball -- without peanuts."
"Yes, you can all have some peanuts. Just eat your dinner first."
"No, Sweetie, I don't know who that man is."
"No, I don't know who he's calling a bum."
"That's just what happens at baseball games."
"Yes, Buddy, baseball."
"Baseball."
"Okay, that's enough."
"Alright, now our team is on the field."
"No, Honey, the Wizards."
"Our pitcher wants to keep their batter from hitting the ball. Those other men out on the field will try to keep the batter from running too far if he hits it."
"No, they won't tackle him. That's football."
"Yes, Buddy, football."
"Well, they're supposed to catch the ball and throw it to the man who's covering the base. Then that guy tries to tag him out."
"No, they won't hit him. That's boxing."
"You'll just have to watch. I'll try to explain it as we go along."
"Ooh, good hit. Now watch that man way out there. He caught it! That means that the batter is out. If he can catch the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out."
"That's just the rules of the game."
"Okay, new batter. Let's see if we can keep him from getting a hit."
"Well, no, not us. The team. We're just here to watch. They're the ones who are actually playing the game."
"Because it creates a sense of pride and camaraderie and -- never mind. Just watch the game."
"Excellent! He struck out. That's two outs."
"That means that he missed the baseball -- yes, Buddy, baseball -- three times. Just one more batter and the Wizards are back up to bat."
"No, Honey, Wizards."
"Is everyone finished with dinner? Who wants peanuts?"
"That's right, Sweetie, it's just not a, uhh, ball game without peanuts."
"Yes, Buddy, peanuts."
"Peanuts."
"Okay, that's enough."
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Erik Deckers
(published week of June 3rd, 2005)
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Man Jewelry Dos and Don'ts (Mostly Don'ts)
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
I've never been the kind of Guy to wear jewelry, at least not on a long-term basis, and only certain kinds. I've worn the occasional class ring, a gold chain for a couple months, and a nice cameo brooch when I wanted to feel pretty. And of course I've worn my wedding ring every day without fail for the last eleven-and-a-half years, partly because it's a symbol of my undying love for my wife, but mostly because she'd choke the life out of me if I ever left the house without it.
But I draw the line at Man Jewelry. Pinkie rings, huge gold necklaces, and the dreaded gold bracelet are strictly banned from my person.
It's not that I'm opposed to Man Jewelry, it's just that I don't think men should wear it. Ever.
Okay, that may be a little too extreme, so I'll just limit it to Guys. If it's something your wife would wear, you should not (the one exception being that cameo brooch on those special occasions).
By now, I'm sure you're asking, "What about the entertainment industry? There are all sorts of exceptions there, like Justin Timberlake and his necklace, Harrison Ford and his earring, or Brad Pitt and his multiple nipple piercings!" But you'd be wrong. None of them are Guys.
Man Jewelry does have a home in the sporting world however. There's Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis and his Super Bowl ring, Mike Tyson and his gold tooth and to-die-for face tattoo, and Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning and his multiple nipple piercings. And these Guys can pull it off without question. They've already proved their strength and their ability to dish out and take a beating. That, and any one of them could pound me into a senseless lump.
However, even for these Guys there's a limit, and the question becomes "how much is too much?"
I'm the first to admit that on most Guys, a pierced ear looks pretty cool. I even had one myself. But I have to draw the line when ancient Ed Bradley from "60 Minutes" or rickety Harrison Ford show up sporting a diamond stud. I'm nearly 38, and I'm too old for one. No way a guy 20 years older than me should be wearing one. It clashes with their sock garters.
And I definitely draw the line at the whole earring/necklace/pinkie ring ensemble. It's a bit much for anyone who isn't a former boxing world champion with a well-earned reputation for savagely biting his opponents' ears off.
As luck would have it, I had a chance to see this combination a few weeks ago, when I encountered the perfect storm of money, Man Jewelry, and a mid-life crisis at an area restaurant.
My wife and I were out to dinner, and I had --wisely, I thought -- called in our reservations earlier that day. As we were waiting to be seated, some guy -- his outfit, his hair, and his jewelry just screaming overcompensation and Freudian envy -- and his girlfriend cut in front of us. A guy like this would usually escape my notice. But this one made himself extra special by mumbling something to the hostess, slipping her a $20 bill, and getting seated right before we did.
I was stunned partially by what I had just witnessed -- we just don't do that in Indiana -- but mostly because I realized this guy had to be in his late 40s, while his date was barely old enough to drink. Or be out so late on a school night.
"Oh how nice," I said to my wife. "He's taking his daughter to dinner."
I don't know if this jerk actually made a regular habit of bribing restaurant hostesses, instead of calling two hours early like the rest of us, or if he was trying to impress the young Paris Hilton wanna-be clinging to his arm, but he needed to do something to compensate for the desperate look of trying to reclaim something he lost two decades earlier.
Unfortunately, the open shirt, big gold necklace, and pinkie ring just weren't cutting it. Neither was the fact that his date's mommy wanted her to be home by 11:00 or she was grounded. So my wife and I did the only thing we could do in a situation like this: we cracked jokes about them all throughout dinner.
Sure, I realize that what comes around, goes around, and that I could face my own mid-life crisis in the next ten or 12 years. But I also realize that I won't regain it with Man Jewelry, a sports car, or a younger woman. I'm going to do what any sensible guy should do when he starts to feel the ravages of age descend upon him: lots and lots of plastic surgery.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of June 10th, 2005)
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I'm 266 in Dog Years
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from two years ago, with a few updates to make it. . . well, up-to-date.
It's my birthday in a couple of weeks, and I'll turn 38. I'm not complaining, because I've enjoyed my 30s so far, and am looking forward to repeating several of them.
But I'm not happy about the date of my birthday. I was born right at the stroke of midnight on June 27th, 1967. However, my mom went into labor on the 26th.
"18 hours!" she reminds me frequently. "Probably the longest labor in history! Why can't you call more often? I was in labor for 18 hours with you!"
Needless to say, after all that hard work, she was pretty disgusted with the doctors when they said "Oops, it's 12:00:01, so the 27th is your son's birthday."
Jerks.
Sure I didn't get the birthday my mom wanted, but that's not even what concerns me. What bugs me is that by arbitrarily picking my birthday out of thin air, the doctors doomed me to a lifetime misery of "Birthday Anonymity."
"Birthday Anonymity" is when no one really famous was born on your birthday. Few people are afflicted with this malady, because nearly every celebrity, sports figure, author, political leader, historical ruler, or great inventor was born on every day of the year except mine. With the possible exception of February 29th, June 27th seems to be the crappiest date to have a birthday, because almost no one of any significance was born on that day (except for me, of course).
Before I go on, let me clarify that I am not unhappy with my own birthday. I have a great birthday every year, Birthday Claus is always very kind to me, and I have a wonderful time with my friends and family. I just wish someone extremely cool and famous -- besides me -- shared my birthday.
Let's look at the two days on either side of my birthday:
June 26th was the birthday of baseball great Derek Jeter, as well as the inventor of baseball, Abner Doubleday. World cycling great and Tour de France champion Greg LeMond was born on this day in 1961, while this day in 1904 was actor Peter Lorre's birthday. And in 1892, Nobel Prize and Pulitzer Prize winner Pearl Buck was born. It was also the birthday of my childhood best friend, Doug Dahlstrom.
June 28th is the birthday of actor John Cusack (1966), former Denver Bronco quarterback John Elway (1960), Saturday Night Live alum Gilda Radner (1946), and philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712). He's the guy who coined the phrase "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity." Richard Rodgers, of Rodgers and Hammerstein fame, was born on this day in 1902, and the Treaty of Versailles was signed today. It's the birthday of renowned bad guy John Dillinger (1902), one of the funniest people on Earth, Mel Brooks (1926), the founder of the Anglican Church (and ultimately the entire Protestant movement), King Henry VIII (1491), and one of my dogs.
So what about my birthday? It's not too bad, I guess. Helen Keller was born on June 27, 1880, and Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan was born in 1927. But that's about it for famous people. Otherwise, I have to share my birthday with H. Ross "Look at those ears! He can fly!" Perot.
What other notables share my day of days? After checking www.famousbirthdays.com, I see that Madylin Sweeten of "Everybody Loves Raymond" was born in 1991, and Julia Duffy, the woman on "Newhart" and "Designing Women" was born in 1951.
Look at the Writer's Almanac from Minnesota Public Radio (www.mpr.org). Ooooh, it's the birthday of novelist Alice McDermott. She wrote "The Bigamist's Daughter." You remember that one, don't you?
Science fiction writer James Patrick Hogan was born on June 27, 1941. According to the Writer's Almanac, he has written a number of novels ". . . based on 'hard' science, which are popular among scientists as well as with the public." By "public," I assume they mean "people who have heated arguments about the viability of warp engines at Star Trek conventions."
I don't mean to complain about it. It's not my parents' fault, the hospital's fault, or even the doctors' fault (although one could argue that last point). I just happen to have a mediocre, unexciting birthday when it comes to famous people. So it looks like I'll have to carry the ball for the day.
So, for those of you who share my birthday, those of you who have cried yourself to sleep, wishing someone famous had been born on your special day, dry your tears! Hold your head up high, look people straight in the eye, and say with pride, "I was born on June 27th, the same day as Erik Deckers, the World's Strongest Humorist!" Who knows? Maybe someday, my name will appear on FamousBirthdays.com.
Yeah right, and I'll be 29 for the 9th year in a row.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of June 17th, 2005)
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I'm Sorry, Were You Saying Something?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
Ask anyone what the key to a successful relationship is, and they'll tell you the same thing: communication.
This is true whether you're talking about business relationships, friendships, or marriage. Although if you're OJ Simpson or Robert Blake, some might say that not killing your wife is more important. However, they were both found not guilty by the courts, so I'll leave the validity of these jokes up to you.
But ask those same people (the other people, not OJ or Robert Blake) to define communication and it gets a little harder.
"Umm. . . talking, listening, errr. . . sharing feelings, and you know. . . uhh, just communicating. Oh, and not killing your wife."
Not only have entire books been devoted to communication, but weekend seminars, college classes, graduate degrees, and entire careers have as well. So what makes me think I can deal with such a gargantuan topic in a single 755 word column?
Actually, I don't need to. For one thing, I've already spent 161 words getting this far. And I'm going to skip that whole "sharing your feelings" business, which will save me about three years worth of work.
That also means I can spare you the traditional "wives want to share their feelings during football" jokes that have become a staple of stand-up comics everywhere. They've become such an overused topic of humor that even the mountain dwellers of Nepal know the jokes, and they've never even seen football.
But if I had to pick one important area of good communication, it's listening. Listening is the most important thing you can do in any relationship, because it does a number of things.
First, it's how you gather information. Second, it makes the other person think you care about what they have to say, whether you really do or not. And third, it lets you watch that thing in their nose flap in and out as they breathe.
Of course, you could also fake listen while actually listening to the announcers discuss how Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis just went medieval on the opposing team's quarterback. But this will lead to problems of its own, like missing important things your wife is trying to say.
Wife: The kids are asleep. Do you want to go upstairs, and. . . you know?
You: No, honey, those pants don't make you look that fat.
Football Announcer #1: Oooh, nice hit. He didn't see that one coming!
Football Announcer #2: No he didn't Al. She really plowed him over with a ferocious tackle. His head snapped back like a broken Pez dispenser.
Announcer #1: Jeez, John, that just looks painful. Uh-oh, I think he's really hurt.
Announcer #2: He's not moving. He's not moving at all.
Announcer #1: They're bringing the stretcher onto the field. The other husbands are just standing around on the field, slowly shaking their heads. You hate to see that kind of thing happen.
Of course, there are those people who would rather hear themselves talk instead of listening. So even though they hear the old "we have two ears but only one mouth" quote, they launch into a 15 minute diatribe about how the ears are redundant since they both do the same thing, and our mouth is much bigger than our ear holes, and blah blah blah until you just want to punch them in the nose.
Your best bet in dealing with this person is to tell your wife he thought she looks fat in her new pants.
So what's the key to good listening techniques? Well, not talking, for one thing. Unless you're a guest on a cable news show, you shouldn't talk while the other person is talking.
Second, concentrate on what the other person is saying, rather than formulating a response. Try to really pay attention to the other person. Unless that thing in their nose is threatening to fly out. Then it's okay to make mental bets with yourself about where it will land or how far it will fly.
Third, paraphrase what the other person said, and repeat it back to them. Again, it shows you were paying attention, and it lets you double-check whether you heard the other person correctly. You weren't really paying attention after that thing finally flew out of their nose, and you had to watch to see where it landed, so this will let you make sure you're on the right track.
But the most important secret for a successful relationship is this: Always remember to -- What an incredible pass! 47 yard touchdown!! Woo-hoo!!
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Erik Deckers
(published week of June 24th, 2005)
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