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Riots at Real Estate Agencies?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
Erik is out of the office this week, probably suffering from heat stroke somewhere, thanks to the frighteningly hot weather we've been having. The last time this happened, California was suffering from rolling blackouts. To commemorate that dubious event, we are republishing the following column, because it will most likely happen again.
Prior to 2001, the only thing people had to worry about dying from in California were earthquakes, forest fires, extreme heat, sunstroke, drought, mudslides, the LA Freeway system, and Jay Leno's chin. Apparently now rolling blackouts can kill you too.
Food poisoning, rioting and looting, and panic-related heart attacks are all risks that Californians face if they're caught in the wrong place at the wrong time during 20 to 200 hours of anticipated rolling blackouts. And if estimates are correct, close to 300,000 people could die as a result of the blackouts (more on that later).
According to a recent story in the Los Angeles Times and on National Public Radio's "Weekend Edition Sunday," the California Public Utilities Commission will grant exemptions from the 20 to 200 hours of rolling blackouts they're anticipating this summer.
Applicants were asked to explain -- under penalty of perjury -- why their business or agency should be granted an exemption. However, the PUC would not allow economic hardship to be a reason for an exemption. So, of course, death of patrons, customers, clients, or innocent bystanders became the number one reason most applicants gave to leave their power running.
Understandably, some businesses are granted automatic exemptions, like hospitals, kidney dialysis clinics, defense outposts, air and sea transport communication outposts, and radio and TV stations that broadcast emergency information.
But let us not forget those unsung heroes who, with the help of electricity, could save hundreds and even thousands of lives, if only they didn't have to suffer through a rolling blackout. I'm talking about lawyers, dental offices, beauty salons, hotels, restaurants, churches, dance and gymnastics studios, liquor stores, real estate offices, and even cemeteries.
Take La Scala, for example. This upscale (snooty) Beverly Hills restaurant claims that anywhere from 26 to 100 of its patrons are likely to die of food poisoning "depending upon how many guests are in the restaurant during a blackout, and how many guests are subjected to contaminated food."
In other words, if you're sitting in La Scala when the lights go out, you have bigger problems than your American Express Goldtaniumite card being rejected:
1) The food they serve you may be contaminated because there's no power to the refrigerator.
2) Even though they already know the food could be contaminated, they're not going to throw it away.
3) Instead of throwing away the contaminated food, they're going to serve it to you.
4) They are going to serve it to you, even though they have no way of cooking it, since the power went out.
5) They can't cook it because they either have no power to the stoves and ovens, or they can't see in the dark to begin with.
6) Despite their alleged "upscaleness," they're not going to WARN you that this uncooked food was in an unpowered refrigerator, and may be contaminated, so you could die if you ate it anyway. Never mind that it's too dark for you to eat it in the first place.
7) Even though their reputation is based on providing excellent food at high prices, La Scala is going to risk killing off a significant portion of their clientele, no matter how many multi-million dollar lawsuits they'll face.
Patron: I'll have the Pork Tartare, my wife will have the Chicken Filet, cooked rare, and the children will have Anthrax Surprise.
Waiter: Would you like a side of raw eggs with your Pork Tartare?
The same argument has made by Stephen Server, owner of A Perfect Affair, a Santa Ana caterer. Server believes that he could inadvertently kill anywhere from 100 to 1,000 people by serving his bacteria-laden food.
But Galley Catering downplayed their lethality. They were only going to kill one to three people, with 100 to 1,000 minor health problems. Golden Crust Bakeries of Valencia also estimated they would only kill one to three people as a result of cheese spoilage.
According to the article, most of the applicants, while making their doomsday predictions, admitted they did not have a backup generator or other contingency plan. According to a spokesman for the engineering firm asked to rank the seriousness of the claims, more than 300 companies each say 1000 people could die as a result of their own negligence.
You would think the restaurant patrons are a little smarter than to eat contaminated food at a blackout restaurant. But apparently restaurant managers and nightclub owners don't think that highly of their clientele.
The House of Blues in West Hollywood wrote on their application, "People who have consumed alcohol can become overheated very quickly as well as [fail to use] good judgment in remaining calm."
In other words, not only do these people not have sense enough to come in out of the rain, they don't have sense enough to drink water or leave an overheating building.
Yes, let's salute the food service professionals of California. They're concerned about their customer's safety, NOT about throwing away spoiled food or wasting money. They want to make sure that every customer gets a great meal, even though it could be his or her last. They're more concerned about everyone enjoying themselves, and not wasting their time buying liability insurance or backup generators.
All of this makes me wonder what excuse the cemeteries gave.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of July 1st, 2005)
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Tater Toilers In a Tizzy Over Term
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
In this age of Political Correctness and perpetual victimhood, someone somewhere is always complaining about certain words or phrases.
"I don't know if I feel comfortable with the implications of that term," is the battle cry of the whiner, er, advocate. They then voice their displeasure with the word "battle cry," because of its violent overtones. And then they wonder why they were picked on by playground bullies.
This week's PC whiners are complaining about CPs - couch potatoes.
British potato farmers are concerned that the term "couch potato" is doing irreparable harm to their terrific tuber. They're afraid that the image of a slovenly fat guy slouching on his sofa, watching Baywatch reruns is going to have a negative impact on the image of a potato as a healthy food item. So they're demanding that the Oxford English Dictionary strike the offending term from its pages.
A couple weeks ago, 30 British tater tillers protested outside Parliament to publicize their efforts at reforming the image of their cash crop.
A couch potato is defined by the OED as "a person who spends leisure time passively or idly sitting around, especially watching television or video tapes." A British potato farmer is further defined by the OED as "a bunch of whiny crybabies who apparently have too much time on their hands."
"We are trying to get rid of the image that potatoes are bad for you," said Kathryn Race, head of marketing at the British Potato Council. Passers-by at the protest were then heard to remark, "We've got a council for British potatoes?"
Actually, no one has ever said that potatoes are bad for you. Deep-frying slices or wedges of potatoes, and then eating them every day for 30 years is bad for you, but that's a different story. Sure, Atkins diet proponents say that potatoes have a fairly high carbohydrate count, but they also recommend regularly eating steak or bratwursts, so I'll forgive them for the potato thing.
The last time the British Potato Council made the news was after a much-publicized street brawl with the British Lightly Breaded and Deep Fried Fish Council, which caused fish and chip sales to plummet nearly 80% for four years. Experts are reluctant to speculate what harm this might do to the industry.
The protesting spud studs seem to have generated some strong interest in their cause. Not only has Nigel Evans, Member of Parliament for the Ribble Valley in Lancashire, offered legislation in support of the anti-couch potato movement, but Antony Worrall Thompon, an alleged British celebrity gourmet chef, was also at the protest. "Potatoes are one of the UK's favorite foods - not only are they healthy, they are versatile, convenient, and taste great too. Life without potato is like a sandwich without filling," he told reporters. He then posed for the camera, and mouthed silently, "Call me, Food Network! Call me!"
Recliner manufacturers are also joining the protest movement. Earl Roosevelt, Chief Marketing Officer for Lazy Guy Recliners, actually ran across the street to speak to a reporter. "We don't see why couches should get all the attention. Reclining easy chairs have long been a place for people to kick back, relax, and spend evenings and weekends watching TV." He then slumped to the ground and gasped for breath.
Reporters also spoke with French potato farmer Jean-Claude Meunier. He was unconcerned about the entire affair, since the French term for couch potato is actually "American."
"Hey, we're just glad you guys quit saying 'Freedom Fries'," Meunier told a reporter from the Washington Post.
Race did concede, "Of course it is not the Oxford English Dictionary's fault, but we want to use another term because potatoes are healthy." The campaign is also backed by dietitians who say the vegetable is low-fat and is high in vitamin C.
After he finished posing for the cameras, Worrall Thompson said, "(Couch potato) is a very derogatory term, which potato- growers find very offensive, and I can see why. The potato is very healthy. It should be part of a balanced diet."
Food experts around the world responded to Worrall Thompson's statement by saying "This guy should talk. We find the term 'gourmet English food' misleading and a contradiction in terms."
But seriously, it's good to see that the potato farmers are tackling important issues, like whether the word potato is being used in a term meaning someone who's slothful and lazy. I'm glad that the 4000 members of the British Potato Council think striking "couch potato" from the dictionary is so much more important than, say, getting large shipments of potatoes to Sudan and Ethiopia, or other parts of the world where people are starving.
Thank you, British Potato Council for making us aware of how damaging and harmful the term "couch potato" is. Thank you for not wasting your time helping people who actually need it.
Maybe the OED should redefine "British potato farmer" as "a bunch of selfish gits who need to get their heads out of their [see page 1847]."
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Erik Deckers
(published week of July 8th, 2005)
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What Would You Like to Pummel Today?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
Finally, my computer's back from the shop. Not too bad -- just $600 to upgrade Old Blue. The guys at the computer shop laughed at me when I brought it in. Sure, I could have gotten a brand new one for $500, but there's nothing wrong with this one. It's still perfectly good. Sure is heavy though.
Of course I don't have any money for new software, or a printer, but I can still use my old stuff. It still works, and I still have a whole box of ribbons for the printer.
Let's see, everything's plugged in. . . now I have to install the operating system. Pop in the CD and. . . there's a dialog box.
"Please be patient. Due to the age of your device, this may take several minutes."
Age of my device? It's only 12 years old. Oh well, I'll get a beer while I'm waiting. . .
Hmm, what's the status? Still chugging away. I'll get a sandwich. . .
Ah, that's better. Let's see, now what does it say?
"The current operating system does not support that keyboard. You will need to install the original driver found on the manufacturer's disk."
What do you mean, doesn't support the keyboard? It's a freaking keyboard? Sure, it weighs five pounds and clicks when I type, but it still works. Let's try that again.
"Repeat: The current operating system does not support that keyboard. You will need to install the original driver found on the manufacturer's disk."
Stupid computer. Where did I leave that CD? Wait, there it is.
"Are you sure you want to use that keyboard? Click Yes or Cancel. Don't press Y, or the motherboard will explode."
Yes! Don't pass judgment on my stuff, you bag of bolts.
"This may take a few -- I mean, several minutes. I have to see if I even remember how to do this. You can also call the manufacturer at PEnnsylvania 6-9821. I think it's their turn on the party line this week."
Smartaleck computer. Time for another beer. Maybe that will make this go easier. . .
Hm. It's still not done. Maybe a short nap. . .
Much better. The keyboard driver is fully installed and it seems to be working alright. Okay, now for the printer.
"Woah, are you even sure you want to install that printer? Please click Yes or No. We recommend No. But don't use the keyboard. It's still a little hinky."
What do you mean, am I sure?! Yes, I'm sure. I wouldn't be installing it otherwise, you piece of junk!
"Are you REALLY sure? I mean, wouldn't a slate and piece of coal be a little more modern?"
Yes, dammit! How else can I print the stuff I write on my word processor?
"Oooh, no big surprise here. The current operating system does not have a driver for that printer. You will need to install the driver from the manufacturer's disk."
Now we're getting somewhere. Let's see, where's that old floppy disk? Do I even have it? Wait, I remember. It's in the box with my high school yearbooks. . .
*Cough, cough* That's a lot of dust. Hope it still works. . .
"Wow, a floppy disk. I didn't even know they still used those things. Do you even HAVE a floppy dri -- GAAH! I guess you do. Give a guy a little warning next time."
Ha, showed you. That'll teach you to laugh at my stuff! Now, keep your opinions to yourself. I have to install my word processor. At least this one is on a CD.
"*Snicker* Jeez, dude, what's wrong? Is your pencil broken? Hey, dial-up modem, get a load of this guy. Can you believe he's installing that? What a #pGW@y* -- ow, don't smack the keyboard!"
Let's see what happens if I take an axe to your hard drive.
"Err, all systems working normally, sir. This installation will take several -- I mean, just a tiny few minutes. Why don't you get yourself another beer?"
Not a bad idea. I'll be back. . .
That's better. I need to install the web browser. Do you have any problems with that?
"No. At least that was made in this century."
Watch it.
"Sorry."
Now the phone line is connected. Let's fire this baby up and surf the web.
"Excellent. Where would you like to go today? Ancient Greece or the Renaissance? Maybe we can visit a silent movie website. I don't think it's too advanced for this thing."
That's it, I'm switching back to my Commodore 64!
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Erik Deckers
(published week of July 15th, 2005)
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What About 'Idea Faucets?'
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
All thinking must stop! At least in Ireland.
According to a story in the London Observer, the Department of Enterprise, Trade, and Investment in Belfast, Ireland will no longer allow "brainstorming," at least not by that name.
"It may be deemed pejorative," said a DETI spokeswoman.
Apparently, the DETI believes that the term "brainstorm" might be offensive to people with brain disorders like epilepsy or DETI syndrome. That's an affliction that causes government officials and Political Correctness wonks to come up with half-witted ideas about what MIGHT be considered offensive, without actually asking anyone if it truly IS offensive.
Why else would the DETI order employees to use the term "thought shower" instead?
But, as much as I would love to fight one more PC fight, I just can't. I'm giving up. I've battled against Political Correctness ever since it raised its ugly head on American college campuses back in the early '90s. Now the idea has spread around the world like a pandemic, and those PC wieners are all grown up and running Departments of Enterprise, Trade, and Investment everywhere.
There's nothing I can do but lay down and die, or worse, join the cause. You know, play with a winning team for once. Switch sides and see if I can improve my luck. So, with the banner for my new cause unfurled, let's examine this story once more, only with the enthusiasm of a brand new Politically Correct convert.
(Well, for starters, I can't say "convert," since that has religious overtones, and we don't want to imply that Political Correctness is a religion.)
So let's start with the term "thought shower." While I can appreciate how "brainstorm" might possibly offend people with a brain disorder, I don't think my new teammates though about how pejorative the term "thought shower" could be to people who can't or don't take showers. How about people with no running water? Or people with skin conditions? Or the French?
Or what about people whose thoughts only come out in a trickle? Little attention seems to have been paid to people with low IQs, or people who chose careers in government bureaucracies. They probably haven't had a shower of thoughts in years. So calling it a "shower" instead of a "release of ideas" may be pejorative to people who are stupid or bureaucrats.
And what about "spokeswoman?" Sure, it's gender-specific, and it shows that a woman is just as capable as a man of doing the job. Some die-hard feminists might be upset that "woman" is spelled with an 'a' instead of a 'y,' at least the attempt has been made to be inclusive.
But it's the term "spokes" that bothers me, the new PC crusader. It implies that only people who can actually talk are capable of doing the job. So anyone who communicates through sign language is automatically excluded. The same is true if you can only use written communication, semaphors, or a series of grunts, clicks, and whistles.
It also "may be deemed pejorative" by people who can't afford bicycles, or can't ride them, or are afraid of them. The car industry "may be" having a royal fit over the term "spokes" and the implication that cars are now excluded from government-speak.
"Why not 'axlewoman'?" they "may be" wailing to each other, enraged by the insensitivity of the entire situation. Apparently, the Department of Enterprise, Trade, and Investment is not as Politically Correct as we originally thought.
Don't get me started on the name of the department either.
"Why not the Department of Millennium Falcon, Trade, and Investment?!" Star Trek fans "may be" shrieking from their parents' basements everywhere. "This is an outrage! It's offensive to those of us who favor the Star Wars universe over a universe based on a mere television program."
Of course, some could argue that this line of thinking could upen up a whole new can of worms for fans of shows like Babylon Five, Stargate: SG-1, or Knight Rider.
Boy, all the PC hypersensitivity has me worn out. And now that I've tried it out, I don't like who I've become. In a mere 505 words, I've gone from being an anti-PC crusader to its poster boy (excuse me, poster enthusiast). I've gone from making fun of Politcal Correctness to being one of its staunchest supporters who would never even think about making a single snide remark about it or its wieners (excuse me, advocates).
So I'll rejoin the Common Sense Brigade and continue to do battle against Political Correctness gone amok, making sure that no one goes overboard with their hypersensitivity to non-issues.
Now, about this "brainstorming" thing. . .
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Erik Deckers
(published week of July 22nd, 2005)
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Confessions of a Bartender
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2005
Dear Patrons,
This letter is a little late in coming. About 12 years too late. And for that, I apologize. In fact, I need to apologize for a lot of things. When I was your bartender at that little bar in northern Indiana, there were things I said and did, or things I DIDN'T say or do, that I should apologize for.
First, I'm sorry for not being a smoker. I know that's a strange thing to apologize for, but when you're -- literally -- the only non-smoker in an entire building full of half-drunk smokers, you tend to make people feel self-conscious. So I apologize if I made all 20 or 30 of you feel uncomfortable by being concerned about my lungs and my overall health. I also apologize for any second-hand smoke lawsuits that show up at your house in the coming years.
I'm also sorry I called all of you a bunch of cheap, non-tipping tightwads. A couple of you were actually quite generous. But to the rest of you, I'm sorry I didn't make it clear that this was how I made my living, or that I had a new family to support. I'm also sorry I didn't try to better understand why you tipped our female bartender twice as much as you tipped me. So when I pull my BMW into your filling station and don't tip you for pumping my gas, I hope you'll understand.
Burt, I especially hope that you accept my apologies. You told someone that you didn't tip me because I was a guy and you were afraid people would think you were gay. In retrospect, signing you up for subscriptions to "Out" and "Hot Young Men" magazines to your workplace was probably a little harsh. So was telling your co-workers you were seen frequenting a well-known gay club.
Eddie, I'm sorry I yelled at you when I threw you out of the bar when you called your mistress the "b-word." You didn't speak to me for two weeks afterward, so obviously your feelings were hurt. At least that's what your wife said when I explained the situation to her. The entire situation.
For you Bud drinkers, I'm sorry I served you Bud Light when we ran out of Budweiser one night. I'm especially sorry that I never pointed out the switch to you, especially since you never caught the error. I also feel very badly that I continued to serve you Bud Light to see if you would ever catch on.
The fact that none of you did was no excuse for my continued experiment. You asked for Bud, you paid for Bud. The fact that you couldn't tell the difference between it and a glass of water is no reason to perpetuate a four month hoax.
I also apologize for wanting to leave each night at 1:00 am. I know you were having a good time, and that it was wrong of me to want to do selfish things, like catching some sleep before I went to my substitute teaching job the following day. I realize you had your own jobs, but if your bosses don't mind you showing up half-drunk on three hours of sleep, who am I to call them and tell them?
Abby, I'm sorry I called you a poor excuse of a boss behind your back several times a day. It was uncalled for. The fact that everyone thought you were a nagging shrew is no excuse to even think such a thing, let alone tell anyone who would care to listen.
In addition, I'm also sorry I poured a little extra alcohol for my favorite customers. I should never have let their friendliness and tipping generosity influence the fact that they were getting more than you wanted me to pour. If you tell me to short all the drinks after a certain time of night, who am I to expect that we treat our customers fairly? This was a frequent discussion I had with many of them, which may have been the reason most of them started going to the bar down the street instead. But I'm not a mind reader, so I can't actually be sure.
So, let me summarize by saying I apologize to each and every one of you. To make it up to you, I should probably work a free shift at the bar and buy drinks for everyone. No, really, it's Budweiser this time. Would I lie about that?
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Erik Deckers
(published week of July 29th, 2005)
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