|
|
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Return to the home page
|
|
|
I Know Bill Clinton Too
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2004
As someone who follows politics the way sports fans follow baseball, I was excited about my recent trip to Washington DC, home of the White House, Capitol Hill, and the National Bead Museum (official motto: Yes, there's a museum for those!).
I spent my first night on a self-guided walking tour, seeing the buildings I've only seen on the news, before ending up at the Democratic National Committee headquarters. It was like arriving at my own personal Graceland.
It's a little surreal, being in the city where history comes from, so I was overly self-conscious about my behavior. I worried that every word and gesture would betray me as some hick tourist from Indiana -- like shouting, "Hey, I seen that place on the TEE-vee!" to total strangers while wearing my souvenir hat shaped like the Capitol Building.
So I just walked around, trying not to openly gawk as I snapped photo after photo on my cell phone, and sending them to my wife.
The first thing you notice about Washington DC is that everyone -- and I mean everyone -- knows politics. Forget the politicians, the aides, the journalists, and the wannabes. I couldn't even go to a restaurant without discussing the presidential election with the bathroom attendant.
It's like Los Angeles, where every waiter, bartender, and carpet shampooer is an out-of-work-but-aspiring actor or writer. The local news is just a 30-minute celebrity gushfest with a smattering of current events thrown in.
"This week, Keanu and Leonardo were spotted at Spago's, Brad and Jennifer dined at the Brown Derby, and wedding bells may ring for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Oh, and some guy is President again."
Think of Washington as Los Angeles without the puffed-up self-importance. Oh, wait. . .
Washington has two types of people: politicians and people who want to be politicians. Everything else in the city revolves around politics, from the hotels and restaurants to the cabs and even the street vendors hawking Pro-Bush and Pro-Kerry t-shirts.
And since it's the seat of power, if you're there, everyone else assumes you're someone important. Or at least you want them to assume that. But if they're not sure, it's up to you to help them along. So, name dropping is commonplace in Washington.
For most people, name dropping is a hobby, for others, it's a full contact sport. But I had the rare opportunity to witness a master name dropper in action. This guy dropped names like Liz Taylor dropped husbands.
I was eating dinner on Election Night and was sitting next to a group of lawyers -- two women and a man -- from some big hotshot firm in Washington state. Grubnitz, Spankle, and Wheen, or something like that, one of the women told me.
I don't remember what it was called, partly because I didn't care, but mostly because I was listening to her male colleague yammer on and on about all the political big shots he's met over the past several years.
"When I was in Boston, I met John and Turr-ayza a few times. John's a really down-to-earth guy, but Turr-ayza is the sweetest woman you could ever meet."
"Hey look, they just showed Missouri on TV. That reminds me of a time when I was in St. Louis, I had a dinner meeting with the governor. He told me a story about how he went fishing up in Minnesota with Jesse "the Body" Ventura and the Minnesota Vikings' coaching staff."
What this guy didn't say was that the dinner meeting was probably some political fundraiser filled with other wannabes willing to pony up $2000 to sit within shouting distance of the Governor, and the story was part of the 15 minute speech he gave before racing home in his limo.
As I listened to this obnoxious twit prattle on about all the wonderfully fabulous people he knows intimately, and all the fabulously exotic places he's been -- like St. Louis, Missouri -- I wanted to ask him, "If you're such hot stuff, why aren't you at campaign headquarters in Boston with John and Turr-ayza, instead of sitting here in a small restaurant in Washington?"
However, rule number one is that you don't pick on a lawyer, even if he does work for a law firm you've never heard of, Grubnitz, Spankle, and Wheen notwithstanding.
They say that in Washington, it's not what you know, it's who you know, although the joker at the bar seemed to think it was a matter of who you say you know. But if you truly want to be remembered as someone special, it's not who you know, but what you did that's most important.
At least that's what my good friend Al Gore tells me.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of November 5th, 2004)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
Deckers Family, Inc. Annual Report
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2004
To: All members of Deckers Family, Inc.
From: President Daddy
RE: Yearly Evaluation Report
Dear Employees of DFI:
First of all, I'm pleased to report that our yearly evaluation is only four weeks overdue, rather than last year's three-and-a-half year delay. As the President, I have rewarded myself for improving our turnaround time by 41 months. As a result, my performance bonus -- watching football all day on Sundays -- has been increased to include football on Sunday nights without any recriminating looks or thinly veiled sighs of disgust from Chief Executive Officer Mommy. However, she apparently failed to get that memo, because I have yet to be allowed to sit on the couch through 12 straight hours of football.
As you will remember, these yearly evaluations allow me to assess my own strengths, as well as your strengths and weaknesses, thus improving your overall utility to this organization.
Owing to new developments, President Daddy has taken on new responsibilities outside the organization. As a result, CEO Mommy has also taken on the responsibilities of Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer, and General Manager. President Daddy still continues to oversee Exterior Facilities Management (more on this later) as well as the "Killing Spiders" task force.
I am very pleased to report the addition of a new member of Deckers Family Inc. Our new Coordinator of Son Operations has just celebrated his second anniversary, which we observed last week in a joint meeting with several members of Grandparents, Inc. plus two members of Aunts and Uncles Amalgamated.
While the festivities are a wonderful time to come together as a company, I would like to remind certain people -- such as the Assistant Manager of Daughter Operations -- to show some restraint with the cake. Both CEO Mommy and I observed the AMDO getting "a little loopy" as the day progressed.
As the CSO is still continuing with his training, it will be some time before he is promoted to full manager. We expect his training to take at least another year or two. However, while his new title will carry new responsibilities, we do not expect an increase in his management duties. We have instituted a hiring freeze until further notice.
I am pleased to report that our Manager of Daughter Operations is continuing to show excellent growth and leadership skills, both in her continuing education and staff development, as well as executing her responsibilities.
The MDO has recently assumed management of the K-9 Security department, handling the areas of facilities management, daily supplies, and waste management. While there was originally some resistance by the MDO, a slight increase in salary has helped smooth over many of the difficulties.
However, I am disappointed with the overall performance of the Co-Chiefs of K-9 Security. Chief Hannah and Chief Macy have carried out their assignments with poor attitudes and abysmal results that both President Daddy and CEO Mommy have often expressed their desire to downsize their positions. However, in a rather short-sighted move, we granted tenure to the Chiefs, so they will stay until they retire. Plus, President Daddy is a bit of a softy when it comes to his security chiefs.
We are also pleased to report that interior expansion of the Deckers Family Headquarters are finally complete. With the exception of some cosmetic work, the walls are in place and painted, we have phones and electricity in the appropriate work areas, and we have managed to dispose of 50% of our old inventory.
We are forever grateful to Grandparents, Inc. for their valuable assistance in the expansion efforts. DFI recognizes that without their efforts, not only would our facilities not be complete, but President Daddy would have probably demolished the entire complex if left to his own devices.
Exterior Facilities Maintenance is still an issue. Although President Daddy finds that his new responsibilities have reduced the time he can spend in this area, he can often be found working after hours and on weekends, making sure everything runs smoothly.
Overall, things are definitely on the plus side for Deckers Family, Inc. The organization has expanded, we are running at full capacity, and our long-range outlook is very positive. We will continue to apprise members of our progress via annual reports, as well as emergency "What The Heck Are You Doing?! Don't Put That In Her Ear!" meetings.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of November 12th, 2004)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
How the Grinch Grounded Santa
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2004
I'll bet most people never knew there was such a thing as an airport board. These people like to work behind the scenes, making sure airports operate smoothly and safely. And they prefer to stay out of the limelight.
Too bad that's not happening for the Salt Lake City airport board. They recently voted to change the minimum altitude to 2,000 feet for small aircraft flying over the city. And even though Santa Claus had always been exempt from the ordinance, they decided to eliminate his exemption -- even if it means he can't visit the city of 36,000 children.
Tim Campbell, executive director of the department of airports, told Reuters, "We were updating the ordinance and this provision had not been looked at for a number of years. Members of the panel felt it was just not appropriate.
He then yelled at an orphan and squirted a puppy with a hose.
Actually, Campbell was one of the good guys. He voted to keep the Santa exemption in place. But he covered for those sniveling cowards who said they wanted to be "modern and professional" --cowards who dashed the Christmas dreams of 36,000 children and then hid from the press.
Reuters was unable to reach Santa for comment, but that's because they don't know the old man like I do. I still had his number from a few years back, when I interviewed him for a Laughing Stalk column. I gave him a quick buzz to ask about this controversy.
Santa: Hello, Erik! Good to hear from you.
Me: Hi Santa. How's Myrtle?
Santa: Oh, she's doing great. She was just asking about you the other day.
Me: Tell her we're all doing well. And thank her for the bundt cake. It was excellent, as always.
Santa: So what can I do for you?
Me: I wanted to get your thoughts on the Salt Lake City airport board.
Santa: Don't even get me started! Those Grinches just make my blood boil. I mean, I can understand their need for airline safety, but come on, I'm freakin' Santa Claus! I've been doing this for a while. I think I can handle myself.
Me: But they say they're trying to be modern and professional.
Santa: Modern and professional, my holly, jolly butt! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. They mean well, but they've forgotten the spirit of Christmas. They've forgotten what it's like to be excited about Christmas morning.
Me: I know what you mean. My kids go nuts on Christmas Eve. They can't wait for your visit.
Santa: That's what I'm talking about. That's what you get when you let a few bureaucrats make decisions for everyone. They just decide to cross my name off the list and not worry about what it would mean for the rest of the city. How do you think they would feel if I scratched the whole state of Utah off my flight plan?
Me: Actually, that brings me to my next question: are you going to skip the houses of those people who voted against you?
Santa: Myrtle thought I should, but I just can't. It flies in the face of the Christmas spirit. I mean, what kind of example am I setting if I deny children their Christmas happiness out of spite? Would it give me some satisfaction to do it? Probably. But then I would feel awful for the next several months, and I'd never forgive myself.
Me: You sound like you speak from experience.
Santa: Yeah. I don't like to talk about it much, but I skipped the entire state of Colorado one year. They had just opened NORAD, and I flew into Colorado airspace. They went into panic mode because they thought I was a Russian MIG-15 fighter. I wasted two hours trying to dodge surface-to-air missiles and a squadron of F-86 Sabres. I finally gave up and just dropped the whole Colorado payload on Oklahoma.
Me: So what's your next course of action?
Santa: Well, the Salt Lake City city council is supposed to vote on the new rules in October, so I'm a little hopeful. There has been a worldwide outcry over this, and I think things may look our way.
Me: You're right about that. The story has been popping up all around the world, and I know there's a lot of people pulling for you.
Santa: I appreciate that. Be sure to tell all your readers that I haven't forgotten them, and no matter what Salt Lake City decides, I won't forget anyone this year. Even if their parents ARE on the airport board.
Me: Good luck, Santa. I'll see you in a couple of months.
Santa: Take care. And don't forget my usual.
Me: I know. Chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.
Santa: That's right. I think I can skip Atkins for one night.
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of November 19th, 2004)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
'Twas the Month Before Christmas
In keeping with the Laughing Stalk tradition, we are reprinting Erik’s 'Twas the Month Before Christmas column. That, and he’s in a tryptophan induced slumber from all the turkey, and can’t get out of bed.
'Twas six weeks before Christmas, and all through the town
Halloween decorations were just coming down.
I went to the mall, for a weekend reprieve
And saw such a sight that I could not believe.
The place had gone crazy, the mall was just packed.
With new clothes and new toys and cheap plastic sacks
The store owners were praying and pulling their hair,
Desperately hoping we'd spend money there.
When in one of the stores there arose such a clatter
I thought to myself "Now what's the matter?"
Away toward the noise the crowd flew like a flash
And knocked an old woman right onto her butt.
The cheesy green lights and the canned Christmas music
Made me realize not a darn thing rhymes with "music"
What I saw next made me scream and turn pale
A red and green sign said "We’re having a sale!"
With a perky sales clerk, so cheerful and quick
I knew in a moment I was going to be sick!
She herded us in like sheep to the slaughter,
"Come in and buy things for your sons and your daughters!
We take Visa and Mastercard and Discover!" she chimed.
"American Express, credit cards of all kind!
From the back of the store, all the way to the front
Everything is on sale, there is no need to hunt!"
With the power and fury of an 8 point earthquake
The people were drawn in like a fat guy to cake
And into the store, the crowd they just flew
But what they were after, I hadn't a clue.
And then with a shudder, I heard behind me.
The ear-piercing scream of a child, age three
He gave a shrill shriek that would curl your hair
He yelled at his parents, "Hey let's go in there!"
"I see lots of games and toys," yelled the runt
"Why can't we go in there and get what I want?!"
I looked at the parents, all haggard and worn.
Their faces were bruised, their clothes, they were torn.
Their eyes, how they drooped. Their coats were all muddy.
She was missing her shoes, his nose -- it was bloody.
He clung to his wallet, she clutched at her purse.
They tried not to explode as they held back a curse.
"You've got enough stuff already," the two parents said.
But the child just screamed and cried and turned red.
"What's the matter?" I asked, though I wished I had not.
They said "You can guess at the problem we've got."
"We're shopping for Christmas, for family and friends,
But it seems like this madness goes on without end."
"We've been here since morning, looking for sales.
But we've spent too much money. We feel like we've failed.
Credit cards, debit cards, checkbooks and cash
It's only November, and our budget has crashed."
Then the child came running up, shouting with glee
"Hey, I found something! Please, come with me."
And I heard them exclaim, as they left with a grunt,
"Merry Christmas to you, though it's not ‘til next month."
=====
Erik Deckers
(published week of November 26th, 2004)
- Return to the top of the page
- Return to the home page
|
|
|
|
|
|
Click here to learn more about rFoil reflective insulation
|
|
|
|
|
 |
